Setting Limits in a Pandemic

What if your friends don’t mask up?

When visiting with friends during the coronavirus pandemic, most of us understand that “You are now swimming in the same pool with not just that person, but all the people those people are interacting with,” said Dr. Aaron Milstone at the Johns Hopkins University School of Medicine.

This is what contact tracing has taught us. If you’re hanging with your friends, you’re only as safe as they and all their friends, and those friends’ friends, and so on, are.

“Everyone is struggling to balance their yearning for normality with the risk of catching this virus. Young is safer than old. Outside is better than inside. Masks are better than no masks. And a handful of people are wiser than a lot of people. And so we make the calculation to attend or skip drinks on the patio, a backyard barbecue, a socially distanced birthday party. Most of the time it’s fine. Unless it isn’t,” writes Roxanne Roberts of the Washington Post.

Different tolerances for risk

The stress and anxiety is real when friends or family members have different tolerances concerning risk when it comes to spreading or contracting the virus. We replay arguments and combative comments in our head. We feel guilty, then wonder why we feel like “the bad guy” when we state our concerns.

So how do you set limits with people who disagree with your perimeters?

I found helpful tips on a Washington Post article How to stand your ground on social distancing without alienating family and friends. For those who don’t subscribe to WaPo, here’s a brief rundown:

Lyndsay Volpe-Bertram, section chief of psychology at Spectrum Health in Michigan, says, “We’re going to see a whole lot of rift in dynamics, sometimes even within our own households, as people are starting to navigate what their next steps are going to be. We create a lot of scenarios in our mind, which is part of what anxiety does… but it also leads us to ruminate and really overthink situations, which is when it stops being helpful.”

What guidelines do you feel safe with?

So, to start, spend some time thinking about your personal boundaries. You have the right to determine your level of tolerance for risk. Volpe-Bertram suggests asking yourself, “If I left everybody else’s opinion out of it, what would I feel most comfortable with?”

Then, communicate your boundaries and state them simply. Be aware that this can feel uncomfortable. Believe in the boundary you set, remain confident and firmly state it in a kind way. Don’t feel the need to over-explain.

What if they disagree?

“True friends respect our boundaries, even if they disagree with them,” says Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist. But, she said, when boundary setting is new, sometimes we also need to give the other person time to hear and honor what we tell them. “Give the person one, two, three times to catch up to you to get the message.”

I think it’s more difficult with family, but if they still aren’t hearing you, explain that part of a good relationship is that they respect your decisions.

For some of us (like me!), this means getting used to saying no, and being prepared for push back. You don’t need to feel guilty for having different guidelines, however, especially when it comes to your health and safety.

It can also be constructive to ask the other person what their guidelines are. Manly suggests asking questions such as: “Could you tell me what makes you feel safe with social distancing? What are you practicing?” This shows your willingness to listen.

If a family member challenges you or says something negative, acknowledge that you’re simply seeing two different sides of the pandemic. Volpe-Bertram suggests you tell them, “I want to respect where you’re coming from. And I would like you to do the same for me.”

Knowing what your limits are, and being assertive and respectful will go a long way to help reduce stress. After all, the goal is for everyone to stay safe.

Read more at the Washington Post.

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Linda K. Sienkiewicz is a writer, poet, and artist.
Learn more about her award winning novel, In the Context of Love.
Learn more about her picture book, Gordy and the Ghost Crab.
Learn more about her poetry chapbook, Security