What:
I wrote a personal essay on the grueling experience of having my brother go missing, and later learning that he died by suicide. When my brother went missing, I learned that we have no social script for handling these tragic situations. While many people provided my family with love, compassion, and support, there were also people who added to my family’s distress. My essay provides readers with tips and guidance for supporting survivors of suicide and missing persons.
I approach this topic as a survivor of suicide and as a depression researcher. I’m currently a doctoral student at University of South Florida, where I study depression, suicide, and mental health stigma related to these conditions. I research how society can improve public conversations about depression to decrease stigma, and I study people who flourish after depression (recover and live highly fulfilling lives).
My aim is to translate science into practice. Science manuscripts are great, but they’re impressively boring and cumbersome reads. For this reason, I hope to continue writing pieces in outlets like the HuffPost to breakdown the jargon-filled blather of academia into more engaging and readable pieces.
Why:
I wrote my piece because mental health issues – especially as they relate to depression and suicide – continue to be neglected in the public discourse. While many outlets cover the rising suicide rates in the United States, they fail to convey the human experience – the personal toll – of losing someone to suicide. To me, this is an injustice. On average, each person who dies by suicide leaves behind six or more “suicide survivors.” This means the current level of public awareness about suicide isn’t commensurate to its toll on society.
My hope is that the public thinks about depression and suicide as seriously as they do with physical conditions. Most people aren’t aware that depression is the leading source of disability worldwide and in the U.S, and suicide is the 10th leading cause of death in the U.S. By increasing society’s ability to identify, manage, and support those with depression, we can lessen the loneliness, hopelessness, and pain that is inflicted by depression (see here for informational resources).
How:
People have asked me, “How did you find the courage to write about such a traumatic experience?” And my answer is – time, patience, and self-compassion. I wrote over 100 versions of the piece over the course of 18 months. I cried every time I opened the Word Doc titled, “Brother_missing_story.” The first drafts were vague, non-personal, and bereft of details. But each draft made reliving my traumas more bearable than the last. I grew more willing to mentally access my moment-to-moment memories, and I felt relief from the idea that I could share them with a broader audience, so to help others going through a similar tragedy.
Don’t get me wrong: the process was emotionally draining. On many days, I felt like I was being airdropped back to my most unforgiving experiences – seeing my brother’s MISSING flyer inundate my Facebook newsfeed; hearing the constant ringing of my phone from friends, family, and random people that reminded me of my horrible situation. This meant that, as part of my process, I had to prioritize self-care.
The intensity of my experience was also a challenge. I didn’t want my story to be read as a diary entry, or a melodrama. But I also didn’t want it to be read as a shallow and robotic report of events. I never really found an answer to this dilemma aside from having other people provide me feedback.
Ultimately, I encourage people who are interested in writing about such difficult experiences to try it out, if they are in the right emotional place. Even if my story never got published, processing my experiences, and coming to terms with them, facilitated my healing and growth. With that said, I’m just one person, so what helped me might not help everyone. No matter what, I hope that the dialogue about depression and suicide continues to grow, so more people in these circumstances can feel comfortable, accepted, and hopeful about their futures.
Bio:
Andrew Devendorf is a clinical psychology Ph.D. student at University of South Florida. His writing has appeared in the HuffPost, and he works in the Mood and Emotion lab while studying depression, suicide, and mental health stigma toward these conditions. You can find his research here. Follow him on Twitter at @AndrewDevendorf.
Linda K. Sienkiewicz is a writer, poet, and artist.
Learn more about her award winning novel, In the Context of Love.
Learn more about her picture book, Gordy and the Ghost Crab.
Learn more about her poetry chapbook, Security