Are we really doing small talk wrong?
The ads on Instagram for coaching people in conversation so you don’t sound “weak”—i.g. never ask “how’s it going” or “what’s new”—make me wonder if I’m talking small talk wrong.
I’m not alone in stumbling through small talk. I attend a yearly benefit where I know one couple fairly well and a handful of people only marginally. Those once-a-year encounters create a very specific kind of conversational pressure—too distant for intimacy, too familiar for introductions, and somehow still requiring warmth on command. It can be exhausting. Not to mention, I recognize people but damned if I recall their names.
Yet, those Instagram “never ask ‘how’s it going’” rules seem arbitrary. You are not failing at conversation if you ask.
The Quiet Purpose of Small Talk
However you start it, sometimes small talk has to happen. But you don’t need clever lines. The right question isn’t impressive. The right question is sincere.
However you start it, sometimes small talk has to happen. You don’t need clever lines. The right question isn’t impressive. The right question is sincere.
Doorways that are openings to let the other person step into something real matter most. I keep a few specific conversation starters in my pocket about recent trips, good movies, or events like the Winter Olympics. At this coming event, I plan to ask others how they survived that early brutal cold snap we had in Michigan.
Often, I like to ask others, “What’s your passion these days?” It’s better than “what kind of work you do?” when you don’t know if they are unemployed, underemployed or hate their effing job.
People like to talk about themselves. Listening is a valuable skill. Being willing to ask questions and listen thoughtfully shows that you are engaged in the conversation and care about what the other person is saying.
After all, small talk lets us build trust with people we don’t yet know. We may talk about unimportant topics while deciding how comfortable we are with the other person. Isn’t this how friendships start? When you’re tempted to skip the small talk, remind yourself that it isn’t about the conversation topic. See it as a chance to decide whether you’d like to talk to the other person more and to let them do the same.
Small talk isn’t about winning approval or proving your worth; it’s a way to notice who meets you halfway. The next time you’re tempted to dismiss small talk as meaningless, try seeing it as a doorway instead of a script. It reveals who is curious, who is generous with their attention, and who is not. It shows us where connection might grow and where it likely won’t.
Love it or hate it, small talk isn’t just about filling silence. It’s about noticing who meets you there, right?
How do you do small talk? Do you have a line or question you like to use?
Thank you for visiting! I’m a novelist, poet, artist and essayist.
My upcoming novel, Love and Other Incurable Ailments, is about an anxious overthinker whose fixation on a stranger pulls her straight into chaos, heartbreak, and the inconvenient unraveling of her carefully constructed life. The overthinker in this story does not do small talk well! If you can relate, consider preordering the book: Bookshop | Amazon | Regal House Publishing | Barnes and Noble
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