When you put it that way…
A worker at a clinic recently introduced herself by saying she recognized me from a few years ago: “I remember you because you have such a cool haircut for a person of your age.”
Excuse me? I smiled and said thanks, but…
What did she mean by a person of my age? Does a person of my age typically have bad hair? Does one lose “coolness” when they reach a certain age? Cool hair notwithstanding, am I otherwise just an old lady, a frump, a crone, a hag, Aunt Bea in support stockings and sensible heels?
When my husband and I settled into bed that evening, I mentioned it to him.
“She said your hair was cool. What’s wrong with that?” he asked.
“Oh, you just don’t get it.”
Should I see it as a simple compliment? It’s not so simple. The qualifier annoyed me. The implication is that my actual age is “uncool.” It’s ageism.
So I asked a few friends…
“Oy vey. Well meaning but rude and patronizing,” Nina said. “Ageism is real!” said Alinda. “Insensitive,” said Lola. “Sideways insult,” Denise added. Rick said it was similar to how he feels when people he doesn’t know call him sir: “like an old timer.” Joe agreed with the insensitivity of the remark, saying, “Oof!” and added that someone said something similar to him recently: “I hope when I’m your age I can keep up so well with my hobbies.” Oof indeed!
Ah, there’s nothing like the moral support of good friends. Many shared other micro-ageisms they’ve been handed:
“I used Apple Pay at the gas station and the girl at the counter said she always thought it was cute when old people were techy!” Susan said.
“A few years ago when I broke my knee, the nurse in the ER asked what happened and I told her I fell while ice skating. Her first comment – “at your age!” then she apologized. Still not sure how I feel about that one,” Mary said. When a person reaches a certain age, should they just sit in a rocking chair?
Laura shared, “I’ve been told outright (more than once) that my hair is not age appropriate! At first it hurt my feelings, but now I just think they’re jealous that I can be confident enough to have a style that reflects the youthfulness I feel on the inside. I love my long hair and I won’t change it no matter how old I get or what anyone says.”
Lucinda said she hates being infantilized when health care professionals or service workers call her “dear” or “sweetie.”
Bunny made a good point: “I’m wondering if people who say things like this are subconsciously scared of aging. The subtext is almost like ‘So when I move from the age I am now to the age you are now, can I still have a cool haircut?’ We as a society are so attached to youth.”
Pam kindly said to me, “On the plus side, you do exude youthfulness!”
Thank goodness I don’t exude my real age. Ha.
Ageism, or fear?
Back to Bunny’s point: Is such a comment a reflection on the speaker’s fear of getting old and being unable to keep up?
Or is it stereotyping: Once you get old, you are no longer cool or relevant.
Another backhanded compliment: when someone asks me, “Can I help you, young lady?” The assumption is that being called young is a compliment, while reality must be an insult. There’s no need to reference age at all. Let’s stop calling elders “adorable,” “cute,” and “sweet.”
And what about “You don’t look your age!” Well, I am my age, so, thanks a lot, bub.
The comment, “She’s 75 years young,” actually says the opposite: that “young” is a good thing, which makes being “old” a bad thing.
Who’s old?
Age isn’t the end-all-be-all for how someone thinks, acts or looks.
After all, if you were cool as a young person, chances are you’ll be cool as an older person. If you were an insensitive jerk, well, there may be hope for you, if you learn to think before you speak. (I’m 68 and still working on it.)
Thank you for visiting
Linda K. Sienkiewicz is a writer, poet, and artist.
Multi-award winning novel: In the Context of Love.
Picture book: Gordy and the Ghost Crab.
Latest poetry chapbook: Sleepwalker
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Awkward compliments are, well, awkward. Honestly, for me even unalloyed compliments are tough. The “May I help you, young lady” is the worst, part of the weird human trait to call people by what they’re not (see also Curly for a bald person, Tiny for a large or obese person).
On thing that I find as an old person is that I have a firmer grasp on the observation that humans are strange and imperfect like that. I’m also trying to accept that “humans” includes myself. That one’s tougher.
When you get one of those “for your age” awkward comments, consider this internal positive: you are modeling growth, exploration, style, and vitality to a younger person who (with luck) will someday be older — and your example might just help them expand their own possibilities then. What confounded their expectation then may expand their expectations later.
Keen observations, Frank. Thanks for sharing. I really like that idea: be a model for growth, exploration, style and vitality. 😊
I asked our high school sophomore lifeguard how old did she think the people in the aquatic arthritis program were. She said 40 or 50. Our group is mostly 70 and 80 years old. She had no concept of age. When I was a full time college student at 40, they just thought I was old “no number on it.” If someone says you look good for your age, just reply “so do you.”
That’s a good response!