When personal biases get in the way of simple congratulations:
My MFA association’s Facebook page is intended to be a place where, among other things, we share our joy and celebrate the rare, hard-won wins. So, it’s weird when you get a response that doesn’t celebrate with you but instead tells you why your joy doesn’t count.
I recently shared my essay, published in Women Writers, Women’s Books, titled The Long Game: How Asking for Help Landed me a Book Deal.”
Someone (who shall remain unnamed) responded with this:
So you, a woman, got a book deal in an industry controlled 80% by women. Congratulations. Got any advice for straight white men looking for book deals from people who HATE men and want to SMASH THE PATRIARCHY!!?
I sat with this while my blood pressure rose—I felt the buzz in my chest and the top of my head. Doesn’t everyone find publishing competitive? I worked hard on this book and was grateful for the opportunity. I shared the nuts and bolts of how I got a book deal with my MFA peeps, hoping to encourage others, and that was his takeaway?
I decided to be professional about this. And since Unnamed asked for advice, I gave it to him.
My response:
I do! Write the best book you can and consider submitting to Regal House Publishing—my publisher. They publish a range of voices from men and women. Maybe even rage-filled voices. Who knows.
Unnamed responded:
had to self-publish my latest book because my agent couldn’t get a nibble on 2 books in five years. I even told him to tell editors I was a legally blind gay man (checks TWO Identity Politics boxes!), but he refused. Face it, when the NY Times does pieces on how ‘men don’t read novels anymore’, and women control 80% of publishing, you ain’t gonna see men featured or promoted. (Not to mention all the publishers and collections for ‘gay only’ or ‘women only’ or ‘underrepresented minority’ authors. Try doing that with a ‘white men only’ collection!) Thanks, DEI!
And there you have it. His blame and grievance stems from the fact that he “had” to self-publish, as if forced. He doesn’t blame just women, either, for his fate.
Joy vs. Grievance
How strange to share something you worked years for only to have it reframed as identity, luck, politics or anything but the work itself.
Yes, women make up a large portion of the publishing workforce. But that doesn’t translate into a monolithic “80% control,” nor does it mean men aren’t being published, promoted, or widely read. The reality is far more complex.
That’s not really the point. The point is this: I shared a milestone and someone turned it into grievance theater.
But Wait: I got a Private Apology Surprise
Surprise—no surprise—Unnamed sent me a private message a few hours later.
He apologized and congratulated me, while wanting to “explain” about “coming on too, ah, forcefully” in his comments. This was couched with “you probably don’t care, but my complaints are the result of my real world experience.” It was the classic apology-with-a-footnote: I’m sorry, but also I was right because I have reasons.
Further, he suggested I listen to Andrew Klavan, a conservative commentator with a long track record of questionable takes on women and minorities.
Here’s the interesting twist— Unnamed doesn’t know I’m the honorary director of Detroit Working Writers, a nonprofit founded in 1900 when women writers—professional, published writers—weren’t allowed in the Detroit Club. We’ve come a long way since then, with men now welcome and inclusivity at our core.
My response to Unnamed:
“Duly Noted.”
I didn’t feel a need to give him more than that.
The Simplicity of Kindness
Being generous isn’t difficult and noticing when someone isn’t reveals everything about them. In a world full of rejections and near-misses, celebrating someone else’s win is a small act with big impact. Saying Congratulations goes a long way.
It costs nothing but means everything.
Thanks for visiting! I’m an author, poet and artist. My newest work is a novel, Love and Other Incurable Ailments, coming 10/17/2026. You can preorder here: Bookshop | Amazon | Regal House Publishing | Barnes and Noble